Replies

1. 
   Drose | Feb 14, 2004 09:13am | #1

   A dozen woodworkers in the basement?

   A wine cellar

2. 
   notDusty | Feb 14, 2004 08:00pm | #2

                  Try surfing over to clean jokes .com         maybe you can find some that would be suitable .

3. 
   gpwest | Feb 17, 2004 08:11am | #3

   Jim,

      I'm disappointed that there wasn't even a single joke show up after your request.  Here's a lame one I'll modify to make it fit woodworkers:

       Two guys worked in a cabinet shop for 10 years together, a Jewish guy named GOLDBERG and a Chinese named WONG. They didn't like each other and only spoke to each other when nexessary. One day Wong was sanding at his workbench, when Goldberg walked up behind him with a board and whacked him in the head with it. Wong grabbed his head, turned around and looked at Goldberg, and said, "What the heck did you do that for?"   "That's for Pearl Harbor," said Goldberg.   "You idiot," said Wong, "Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese;  I'm Chinese!"  Goldberg shrugged his shoulders. "Chinese, Japanese, they're all the same," he said.

          Two years passed during which Goldberg and Wong never said even one word to each other.  Then one day Wong snuck up behind Goldberg and hit him in the back of the neck with a bar clamp. Goldberg picked himself up off the floor, glared at Wong, and said, "You jerk, what'd you hit me for?"   "That's for the Titanic," Wong said.   "You stupid idiot, the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" Goldberg said.  Wong just walked away, turned over shoulder and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same."     GP

4. 
   joinerswork | Feb 17, 2004 04:31pm | #4

   Jim,

   Here's one a friend told me years ago.  This fellow has a parakeet that suddenly stops eating.  Concerned for his pet's well being, he takes the bird to a veterinarian.  The vet looks the bird over, and diagnoses a benign tumor inside the bird's beak.  He tells the owner, "the treatment is to take a fine file, and every day, file a little of the tumor away.  It will be very time consuming, and therefore costly, if I do the treatment.  The bird is so hungry now, it will eat itself to death if we just remove the growth all at once.  However, if you are good with tools, you should be able to do this yourself."

   The owner says,  "Heck, I'm an experienced woodworker, I've got a whole shop full of tools. I'm sure I can handle the job."

   "Well, just be sure you don't take too much off at one time."

   A few days later, the vet happens to run into the bird's owner in a store, and asks about the parakeet's progress.  Very downcast, the owner says, "Ahhh, he's dead!"

   "Gee, I'm sorry, but I warned you he'd eat himself to death if you took too much of that tumor off."

   "Eat-- he never did eat.  He was dead when I took him out of the vise!"

5. 
   beck4000 | Feb 17, 2004 06:07pm | #5

   >Subject: The Gold Box
   >
   >
   >I really liked this and thought that you would too.
   >
   >The Gold Box
   >
   >The Gold Box: A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.
   >
   >It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man.  College, girls,   career, and life itself got in the way.  In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life,
   >
   >Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son.  He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.
   >
   >Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr.  Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
   >
   >"Jack, did you hear me?"
   >
   >"Oh, sorry, Mom.  Yes, I heard you.  It's been so long since I thought of  him.  I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
   >
   >"Well, he didn't forget you.  Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing.  He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.
   >
   >"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
   >
   >"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
   >
   >"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said.  I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him.  He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.
   >
   >As busy as he was, he kept his word.  Jack caught the next flight to his hometown.  Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful.  He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
   >
   >The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.
   >
   >Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered.  Every step held memories.  Every picture, every piece of furniture.... Jack stopped suddenly.
   >
   >"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
   >
   >"The box is gone," he said.
   >
   >"What box?  " Mom asked.
   >
   >"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside.  All he'd ever tell me was it's the thing I value most,'" Jack said.
   >
   >It was gone.  Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box.  He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
   >
   >"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
   >
   >It had been about two weeks since Mr.  Belser died.  Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox.  "Signature required on a package.  No one at home.  Please stop by the main post office within th e next three days," the note read.
   >
   >Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago.  The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention.
   >
   >"Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.  Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.
   >
   >"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett.  It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter.  His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box.  There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.  Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.
   >
   >Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! Harold Belser."
   >
   >"The thing he valued most...was...my time."
   >
   >Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.  "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.
   >
   >"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.
   >
   >"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"
   >
   >"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"
   >
   >Think about this:
   >At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
   >At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
   >A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
   >Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
   >You mean the world to someone.
   >If not for you, someone might not be living today.
   >You are special and unique.
   >When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably  won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, probably, sooner or later, you will get it---or something better.
   >When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
   >When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
   >Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
   >Always remember the compliments you received.  Forget about the rude remarks.
   >Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
   >If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
   >
   >If you send this letter to all the people you care about, you will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life, for the better.  Even if you don't send it to anyone, you know that I thought of you today as someone I care about a great deal.

   this is LIFE!

   If nothing sticks to Teflon,how does Teflon Stick to metal. Huh