A kitchen window glass cracked in the summer heat last year, which is unusual for the UK, and after being nagged by my wife to replace the broken pane I set about measuring the aperture. I looked high and low for my tape measure but either the kids had hidden it or the dog had buried it in the garden. I sat down for a brew ( drink of tea) and while pondering where the measure had gone, I remembered the tool box my late Uncle had left me in his will that had been sitting in my garage since he passed away.
Ten mins later I was rooting through the old tool box, remembering that my Uncle had been a bit of a handy man and was sure to have had a steel tape rule hidden away. Sure enough, on the second level I found it, made my way back to the kitchen window and took the relivant internal dimensions for the new glass pane.
Twenty mins later I was at the local glaziers workshop watching while he cut the glass to my dimensions. I even joked that, ‘I wasn’t so stupid’, when he enquired if I had taken off 1/16 inch off the dimensions so the glass fitted into the frame easily……..as if I could forget that…….who does this guy think he is dealing with?????
Back at home I carefully offered the glass up to the frame, but to my horror found it was too big. Not on one side but all the way round, and by a couple of inches at that!!!!
I cussed and swore, and then re checked the window aperture and the pane of glass. Yep two inches too short all the way round.
I stormed into the glaziers workshop, tossing the glass onto his cutting table.
‘Call your self a tradesman?’ I have seen more accurate glass cutting carried out by the womens institute on Friday evenings at the village hall!!!! Everyone stopped what they were doing. I stood there remembering the dig he had about taking off that1/16 inch, and feeling quite smug with myself. He measured the glass. 24inches x 36inches just what you asked me to cut…what’s your problem?. Don’t be stupid, taking my rule,I remeasured the glass. ‘Look,it’s 26inches x 38inches….. We both looked at eachother expressionless.
‘Give me that rule’, and my Uncles bequest to me was snatched from my hands.
Have you ever tried explaining to anyone why you would use a metal tape rule that only started at 2 inches and not zero!!!!! The tape had two inches missing from the end!!!!!! My Uncle, being the tight wad that he was, must have broken the end off at some point and re rivetted the metal lip back onto the rule at 2 inches from the end.
I could have died…you know the feeling five or six hairy gorillas, falling about laughing at this Saturday, once a year DIY enthusiast. I could have crawled under the table and died.
The boss of the shop saw the funny side and kept the rule ( well I gave it to him) He told me it would come in handy on Monday morning when they had a big contract for re glazing a greenhouse. He was going to give the tape rule to the new apprentice and let him cut 50 panes of glass and then use the rule to show him he had measured them all incorrectly ( but correctly, if you see what I mean)
It could only happen to an Englishman!!!!!!
Mike
Replies
Yeah, well. If you'd just use a metric tape like the rest of us, ha, ha! Slainte.
ROTFLMHO!! I, too, have one of those tapes (tho only an inch short). What a hoot. I keep it safely locked up and out of sight. ;-)
I'm having a hard time grasping the concept that a tape measure was not at hand. Cripes..., I unload the dishwasher...tape measure. Clear the dining table for supper...yup, another tape measure...laundry?...tape measure. It's hard to find a horizontal plane in the workshop without a tape measure. I've got a drawer full of tape measures...some twenty years old zeroing out at, well, zero. My biggest problem is keeping THE tape measure separate from the other lesser tapes. (We all klnow to work measurements with the same tape, right?)
Tapes, tapes, everywhere tapes...
Wait...I remember a time I had to grab Ruthie's cloth tailor's tape to measure something...what was it?...a window...nah,...measure twice cut once or twice. Materials are cheap.
"English girls can be so mean..."
Hey Sgian, how goes the world?
Lee
The world's doing fine Lee. On the other hand, we're both getting older, ha, ha. Slainte.RJFurniture
Yours is a better story than mine. But I'll tell mine anyway. I was helping out some casual friends by replacing a broken window pane. I was out there visiting for another reason when they asked me, so I didn't have a tape measure. They weren't do it yourselfers (an understatement) so they did not own a tape measure, but the woman of the house had a cloth tape she used for sewing. After taking precise measurements, I was off to the hardware store.
When I got back with the pane, it fell right through the opening; it was an inch small in each direction. I was disappointed in myself that I could be off so much, but what was strange was that both dimensions were off. It checked out fine with the tape, though, just what I had written down. I verified the tape against something of known dimension, like a concrete block, and found out the tape was streached over an inch per foot. I explained to her that here tape was off and she ought to get a new one. "Oh, good, so I'm not getting fat." I made no attempt to tell her that her logic was backwards.
The last glass I replaced I measured perfectly. I just cracked it while installing the glazer points, bummer.
I use Lee's trick, the best way to not misplace your tape measure is to have 6 of them. Orange and yellow ones help too.
Enjoy, Roy
Not really.
I can't find the bright yellow or orange ones either.
Jeff
Maybe you need 12.
Nah
Never help.
Jeff
We all at some time or another have had to replace a window for some reason or another. My most memorable one was really frustrating. I was hanging drapes on a Saturday morning. The curtain rod was about 7 feet long and quite heavy made out of wood. I had double windows 6 lite and manage to run the curtain through one of them. Off to the only hardware store in town open on Saturday afternoon, brought it back and I had measured exactly the size and the guy cutting the glass had cut it a little bit too big. I broke it trying to force it in. Back to the hardware store came back dropped and broke it. Back to the hardware store, man at the hardware store was a lot more amused than I was. Back home finally got it in, had a little laugh at myself. Grabbed that curtain, run that sucker through the same pane. If there had been another place to buy that little pane of glass withen 20 miles I would have gone there but there wasn't. When I got to the hardware store the guy that had sold me the first three panes wasn't there. There is a God in heaven and he looks out for fools like me.
Gods Peace This Eastetide
les
OK. Here goes. A couple of weeks ago I was at Lowes looking at tape measures (I only have 4 or 5, you understand). I wanted something not too long, since I'll use it in my shop for furniture, cabinets and stuff. And, boy, did I see a beauty!
It has a list of features longer than my arm...
A clear plastic thingy at the end (the hook, if that's what it's called, so you can see measurements down to 1/16). It has a very functional belt hook into which the tape is inserted and removed effortlessy. The retract mechanism is on the bottom. It even has the little diamonds showing the length of a cubit. I bought it, and love it.
Alas, earlier today I went looking for my treasured tape and could not find it. I recalled using it yesterday to measure cabinets for a lovely, very religious lady (two small children, etc.), so I figured, hey, I'll call and see if I left it there. I dialed the number and she answered.
Before I go on, let me say one thing. I spent most of yesterday making a cross for some folks who are starting a new church, and decided that it would be best to donate the time and materials, as I haven't set foot in church for a while.
So the soon-to-be customer-lady answers the phone, and I managed to stop myself about half a second before asking, "Maam, have you seen my Big Johnson?"
There is a God.
The reference to "Big Johnson" may be a little subtle, so click here:
http://www.johnsonlevel.com/bigjohnson_tape.html
Edited 6/5/2004 4:15 pm ET by Lofton
If you haven't set foot in a church in a while, you're taking a chance of years of static sin charge being discharged all at once in a unit bolt of lightning. Don't take a chance! hr discharging it slowly by visiting a church known to be safe for sinners. I'd suggest a Roman Catholic church in Boston or Los Angeles.
Since I'm not Catholic (as the Church reminds me every time I attend Mass along with my wife or her family), and do not live near Boston or LA (which, since I'm not Catholic (ibid), is of little relevance, I think I'm best off making crosses for humble congregations and attending the church of my upbringing when the spirit moves me to do so. But thank you for your concerns!
Amazing how you can be picked on for lack of "membership"
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