Friends,
In memory of master language maven William Safire, who recently passed away, here are his wonderful fumblerules of grammar from his book “On Language.” Another fun book by him is “In Love with Norma Loquendi.” Safire’s list of rules displays is masterful use of language. Here they are:
– Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
– Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn’t.
– Reserve the apostrophe for it’s proper use and omit it when its not needed.
– Do not put statements in the negative form.
– Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
– No sentence fragments.
– Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
– If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
– Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
– Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
– Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
– Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
– Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
– If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
– Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
– Don’t string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
– Always pick the correct idiom.
– “Avoid overuse of ‘quotation “marks.†‘ â€
– The adverb always follows the verb.
– Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
– If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
– Remember to never split an infinitive.
– A writer must not shift your point of view.
– Eschew dialect, irregardless.
– And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
– Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
-Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
– Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
– Write all adverbial forms correct.
– Don’t use contractions in formal writing.
– Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
– It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
– Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
– If a dependent clause precedes an independent clause put a comma after the dependent clause.
– One will not have needed the future perfect in one’s entire life.
– Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
– If this were subjunctive, I’m in the wrong mood.
– Surly grammarians insist that all words ending in “ly†are adverbs.
– De-accession euphemisms.
– In statements involving two word phrases, make an all out effort to use hyphens.
– It is not resultful to transform one part of speech into another by prefixing, suffixing, or other alterings.
– Avoid colloquial stuff.
РLast but not least, avoid clich̩s like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Measure your output in smiles per board foot.
Replies
Mel,
I wish I had had the opportunity to meet Mr Safire.
However, I did have Mrs Alice Loope in 12th grade English. She told a story about someone reprimanding Churchill for ending a sentence in one of his speeches with a preposition. He wrote a reply stating that, "This is the sort of impertinance, up with which, I will not put!"
Thanks for that great post.
Ray
Ray,
Glad you enjoyed the words of William Safire. I have always loved word play. I actually took a course in psycholinquistics back in 1967, in which we tried to analyze sentences such as:"She criticized his apartment, so he knocked her flat."and "The chicken is ready to eat."But I gave that up for woodworking. Reading Safire revived my interest in language. I have been massacring it ever since. But nearly as badly as some of the instructions that I have read on how to assemble woodworking machines.
Have fun.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
This reminds me of:"What's the use of having words if you can't play with them?"
I like it when people play with their words without realizing it, as when Alexander Haig described something as "too preposterous to defy comprehension." Gotta love the language mangling.
-Randy
Dave,
Agreed.
I once heard someone say that you can divide all people into "good thinkers and bad thinkers" and into "good speakers and bad speakers". He said, "The dangerous person is one who is a bad thinker but a good speaker."
I love language.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mr. Safire spoke at my son's high school graduation some years ago. He was a good speaker.
"I once heard someone say that you can divide all people into "good thinkers and bad thinkers" and into "good speakers and bad speakers". He said, "The dangerous person is one who is a bad thinker but a good speaker."
Great saying, wish you knew where it came from it makes a lot of sense. All I could think of is HOPE AND CHANGE. :)I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.George Burns
Bones,I can't remember where that good/bad thinking, good/bad speaking thing came from. It sure is apt when it comes to politicians. I listen to some of them on the news, and realize how adept they are at saying absolutely nothing. My absolute favorite fancy wordwork came in a 1984 Budget Authorization document from Congress to NASA. As I remember, it said, "NASA shall identify automation and robotics technologies, not existing on current spacecraft, the development of which would cost no less than ten percent of of the cost of the Space Station. "At that time, Space Station was going to cost $8 Billion. (That was a long time ago.) Well, lots of people wanted a piece of that $800 Million to develop automation and robotics technology development. Immense interest was generated. We had two meetings with over 1000 attendees. NO JOKE. We had to use a hotel in Virginia for one of them, and a Mariott hotel in DC for the other. I headed up the Automation and Robotics technology program at NASA back then, so I had a dog in that fight.Well, when we got the real budget, we saw nothing about $800M for Automation and Robotics. The reason why was obvious to anyone who actually read the document word for word. Congress had only asked us to "identify" a list of technologies. We did. They didn't say they would do anything about it. AH, what a letdown. I was still naive in those days. After that happened, I learned how to read VERY carefully, and to read like a lawyer.I love a well turned phrase. Good to see how many Knotheads enjoyed Safire's wordplay. He was THE Master.Have fun,
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel, and all,
Several years ago, I found, at a discount bookseller, William Espy's An Almanack of Words at Play. Daily readings of various linguistic entertainments- poetry, tongue twisters, anguish languish- ever read the Spaghetti bird headdress? (Lincoln's Gettysburg address as heard from the rear of the crowd)
Ray
Ray,
Thank you for telling me about Espy's book. I will find a copy. Cant wait to hear what the Gettysburg address sounded like from the back of the room.
In Catholic Grammar school, I remember some kid saying "Deliver us from Eagles" rather than from Evil. He was deathly afraid of Eagles, even though he had never seen one.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel,
There is a story about the Methodist service wherein the choir director asked for hymn requests from the audience. A little boy wanted to hear the one about the bear. "What hymn has a bear in it?" "You know, the cross-eyed one." Finally, they figured it out:
"Gladly, the Cross I'd Bear."
Ray
In Catholic Grammar school, I remember a very pretty Nun that would take a stick to our hands and tell us to yell ALOT for the Mother Sister.. She never, ever hit us! We kept our voices to self after!
WG
I remember Catholic School, and the nuns too. All too well.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
"ever read the Spaghetti bird headdress? (Lincoln's Gettysburg address as heard from the rear of the crowd)"... Ray
Ever listened to Joe Cocker sing, A Little Help from my Friends from the front row of the crowd at Woodstock? W.. T.. F..
Sorry Ray.. I applied finish this morning and have dead time.. BORING!
Regards from ya not so highly read neighbor to the south... :>)Sarge..
Woodworkers' Guild of Georgia
Hi Sarge,
Haha. It is more entertaining to watch him than to listen.
Tomorrow is my finishing day. Hoping to get to mow the yard between coats. So, I'm really hoping for dry weather. Temps in the 30's tonite. Glad when the grass stops growing.
Ray
Ray,
Glad when the grass stops growing.
Couple of hard frosts should do it for ye. Taint white up here but came awful close this afternoon. Couple of cars went by with snow on them; they came from up the hill a ways.
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Couple of cars went by with snow on them; they came from up the hill a ways.
And I bet ya' spray water onto the driveway to make ice to keep the bad visitors away?
Just a HI from me to you and your lady!
Bob,
Yup. No frost on the pumpkins yet, but it got close last nite. Picked last of the 'maters last evening. Fried green tomatoes tonite for supper.
Ray
Even thought it's slowed a bit.. the grass is still growing here with the lows not going below 55* at night so far. More rain here as we got floods a week or so ago. The leaves won't start changing until late October with the conditions we're having.
Yeah.. watching Cocker move while he supposely sings is a treat. He may not have a lock on "Classic Rock" but.. he is a hands down winner in the "Classis Spastic" department for sure. You can tell the boy never got any tips from Dancing with the Stars for sure. ha..ha...
BTW.. I was very impressed with your knowledge in that thread where the piece turned out to be Empire. I Googled Empire after I read it as I really get bored not being in the shop. Interesting and I picked up a tid-bit here and there from doing so.
Regards...
Sarge..
Woodworkers' Guild of Georgia
Edited 10/6/2009 9:13 am ET by SARGEgrinder47
Sarge,
Between coats myself in the shop. So I'm doing a little reading on making a powder horn. I picked up a rough horn a year or two ago at the Eastern Rendezvous, and am just now getting round to messing with it. It's an interesting mat'l to play with, I guess it was the "plastic" of the era. Smelly tho, bout like working bone in that regard.
Take care, and thanks for the kind words,
Ray
Have you read, "Eats Shoots and Leaves"?
Jim,
Great to hear from you.
I have not read "Eat Shoots and Leaves", but I will find a copy and read it. Thank you for telling me about it.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Have you read, "Eats Shoots and Leaves"?
Ummm...not to seem picky here, but the exact title is: "Eats, Shoots and Leaves". The basic point of the book is summed up by that one comma in the title, so I figured I should offer that comment. AND - its a great book, even if you - like me - don't get overly worried about grammar and punctuation.
When we're done with Safire, maybe someone should start a thread about their favorite Churchill quotations (although some of the best may be apocryphal).
I always liked the one about prepositions by another poster (the version I had heard was "That is pedantry up with which....."). But my favorite occurred at a dinner table when SWC was well into his wine, and the lady seated beside him said "Sir Winston - You are drunk." "Madam, you are correct. I am drunk. And you, madam, are ugly. But, in the morning, I shall be sober."
"She told a story about someone reprimanding Churchill for ending a sentence in one of his speeches with a preposition."Reminds me of this joke.A Texan was admitted to Harvard, and spent some time familiarizing himself with the campus. Upon being lost, he stopped a passerby and said "Hi, y'all mind tellin' me where the library's at?"The snooty passerby said "At Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions."The Texan said "Okay. Y'all mind tellin' me where the library's at, ya jerk?"Cheers,Seth
A proof-reader corrected a Churchill sentence in which he had ended with a preposition. He sent it back with the marginal note:" This is the sort of English up with which I will not put!"
Tom
I agree.
English was/is and will ever be, a traders language. I for one wonder how anybody learns it! Many words with different meanings! I have spoken English for about 67 years and got a degree in English but sometimes I GOT LOST ON WHAT IS SAID... Maybe sounded like a friendly greeting when the English was hostile?
And I once had a girl slap in the face while trying to impress her with my Spanish...
Edited 10/13/2009 8:05 pm by WillGeorge
Reading through all this lot I sometimes think some of you guys get a little intoxicated with the exuberance of your own verbosity.Great reading!
And I reply in sort of plane English..
English.. Whatever that is? As in India.. I think they understand the written English but hardly ever the spoken words I understand. But never I NEVER UNDERSTAND English and my native language either!
ANYBODY THAT TRIES DESERVES A CHANCE1
you guys get a little intoxicated with the exuberance of your own verbosity.
I think you may have a point on that suject!
"many words with different meanings" you better believe it.look at the simple word 'blue'
blue - as in the colour (or color in the US)
blue - as in melancholy
Blue - person in Aussie with red hair
blew - as in the wind blew
blue - pronounced bluey as in a traffic infringement notice
blue - row with your missus
blew through - as in took off or disappeared
blew off - well....
etc etc.Luckily I am fluent in 5 languages (English, Australian, New Zealand, Canadian and American) and can get by in most of the rest of the world in Pigeon English.English as she are spoke am dreadful.
I was just plain angry that I had to sit next to a plain looking girl on the plane as we flew over the Midwestern plain on my way to purchase a new plane for my shop.Frosty“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert,
in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.” Milton Friedman
Word play should never be transmitted via Morse code. Doing so makes one sound like a pun dit.
Ralph,
Pun dit.
EXCELLENT, Dude.
Did you know that I am a charter member of the Pun American Club, and I went to the National Puntifical University.
Punditamatically yours,
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel
Are you posting negatives on my typing style in here? :>)
Will George,
Are you a fan of William Safire?
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
I know mostly of him from NBC's Meet the Press and his writing in the New York Times 'On Language' column.
Frankly, much of what he wrote did not make sense to me and he could be a bit more than just harsh. But then again I would never be awarded the Pulitzer Prize for my mutterings in Knots.
I really enjoyed the list of "rules". I've shared it with several others. However, I have not been able to figure out what punctuation marks he used in two instances:
Avoid excessive quotation marks, about a quarter of the way down the list and
those marks surrounding 'ly' about 6 lines up from the bottom.
The symbols for apostrophes were obvious.
Frosty
“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert,
in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.”
Milton Friedman
Frosty,Glad you got a kick out of it. The extra quotation marks thing is, I think, one of those quotation marks which has a single mark rather than two. So it goes "'". People use both types of quotation marks, and try to get fancy. He was saying, "enough is enough". The "ly" thing. He was referring to surly grammarians who say that all words ending in ly are adverbs, but of course, surly is an adjective.I am not much of a grammarian, but that is how I see it. I love Saffire's stuff. Glad you sent it to others.
Thanks for letting me know.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Thanks for the reply.In trying to decipher the code, I marked, with a different color highlighters, each of the varying symbols. Somewhere I ran out of punctuation marks on my key board.Maybe we should all go to Victor Borge's 'oral' punctuation.Frosty“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert,
in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.” Milton Friedman
Frosty,
I saw Victor Borge in person twice. What a guy. I loved his sense of humor. And he was a great pianist. Often I wished he'd finish the piece and then tell jokes. :-)
Mel
Measure your output in smiles per board foot.
I am not much of a grammarian, but that is how I see it. .. LOL
MeL You could talk your way out or into anything!
And I was upset....
NASA bombed the moon and killed all the life at the pole!
As to Victor Borge. A delight to see and hear.. Sort of like Elvis but way more relaxed!
He was VERY funny!
Edited 10/10/2009 3:57 pm by WillGeorge
apostrophes - rewards given to apostles at the end of a conversion contest. ;-)
Funk and Wagnalls will be sending you a check in appreciation for that innovative definition.Great idea. I wonder what it (the 'trophe') would look like.Would you make one if I sent you a picture?Frosty“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert,
in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.” Milton Friedman
"I wonder what it (the 'trophe') would look like."I'm guessing it would look like a fish if I worked from a scaled drawing. ;-)
I give up! You win.You're too far ahead of me.Frosty“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert,
in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.” Milton Friedman
Ralph,
I thought apostrophes had to do with some sort of payment the apostles were required to make..
ZoltonIf you see a possum running around in here, kill it. It's not a pet. - Jackie Moon
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