It’s been a while since we’ve had a really humorous post. Got this from the forum at Seymour Duncan’s website.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:<!—-><!—-> <!—->
- Innovative <!—-><!—->
- Preliminary <!—-><!—->
- Proliferation <!—-><!—->
- Cinnamon <!—-><!—->
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:<!—-><!—->
- Specificity <!—-><!—->
- Anti-constitutionalistically<!—-> <!—->
- Passive-aggressive disorder<!—-><!—->
- Transubstantiate <!—-><!—->
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:<!—-> <!—->
- No thanks, I’m married.<!—-><!—->
- Nope, no more booze for me!<!—-><!—->
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.<!—-><!—->
- Kebab ? No thanks, I’m not hungry.<!—-><!—->
- Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?<!—-> <!—->
- Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.<!—-> <!—->
- I’m not interested in fighting you.<!—-><!—->
- Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination, I’d hate to look like a fool!<!—-><!—->
- Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.<!—-><!—->
- I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
Feel free to add any others you can think of — especially if it comes from your own personal experience.
Replies
Everything was great until the little four letter word at the end......WORK!!!
I nearly pee,ed myself at no nine!
Seriously your right it has been too long since a humorous post.
Chaim
Make your own mistakes not someone elses, this is a good way to be original !
Thing that many cannot say, drunk or sober:
No, it's my round, I'm paying.
When I was in college, I got two great pieces of advice about drinking from a friend.
1. When hungover, dont let anything pass your lips except kool-aid and jello, they are the only things that taste the same both ways.
2. Mike, one thing I forgot to tell you about drinking, you gotta stop!
Mike, sometimes a slow learner.
I think one of our all time favorites is:
" Hold my beer and watch this"
dusty
I thought that this was to be a humorous post but it has turned into an AAA meeting!
I remember throwing quarters once, I wake up the next morning with a wife and kids!
As it turns out I entered the wrong house and fell asleep in bed.
The poor woman being left by her husband takes this as an opportunity and wont let me alone!
I ran away but shes got this layer chasing me now!
I think its time to get a car or at least a bike!
Theres a rabbi a priest and a minister.
they get together now and again to discus matters of mutual interest. now one day the discussion turns to the collection box and how they divide it!
The priest says " I draw a circle in the dirt and throw the money up in the air. What lands inside is for G-d and what land outside is for the Church!"
The Minister says "I have a similar solution I draw a line in the dirt and what ever land on one side is for the church and on the other is for G-d!"
Now the rabbi breaks in and says "me I throw the money up in the air and say G-d whatever you catch is Yours!"
Tell true how many of you laughed
ChaimMake your own mistakes not someone elses, this is a good way to be original !
According to a news report, a certain private school in Tauranga, New Zealand was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
Now that's funny!!!LMAO"WISH IN ONE HAND, S--T IN THE OTHER AND SEE WHICH FILLS UP FIRST"
Ed,
Man, that was a good one.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this<!----><!----><!---->
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My emissions never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've emitted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing wind, because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my pharts... although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."<!----><!---->
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
GREAT ONE! I never saw that one before!
yea and when I served beer it was 20 cents a glass and gas was 35 and smokes were 28 cents. I'm only 56 so that was in the late 60's 69 or 70
Edited 6/4/2008 6:32 pm ET by Bigbear333
...and smokes were 28 cents
My dad passed away in 2001 at the age of 74. I remember him telling me when he started smoking (mid 1940's or so) cigs were $.03 a pack. He said some of the cigarette vending machines only took nickels - and you got 2 pennies back in change - sealed in the cellophane with the cigs.
Lee
In the mid 50's my dad would bring the trash from work home and we would go through it and find the pennies in the cigarette packs. Thanks for the story as it brings back memories as to why the pennies were there.
Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans .
"Life is not a success only journey." Dr. Phil
hey maple,
back in 1971 i was touring through holland. the cigarette machines there had the same feature.
eef
Speaking of drinking........
I may have a drinking problem.
I have become addicted to drinking hydraulic brake fluid.
Oh well, at least I know I can stop any time I want.
Gary
Once you get over the initial blast you can always get off on the intellectual side of jokes, Besides I could not find my Heney Youngman joke book!
Chaim
Make your own mistakes not someone elses, this is a good way to be original !
Many of the best jokes in Henney's book never made it onto TV. I don't know how one of my favorites will go over if I paraphrase on a post, but here goes anyway. Guys goes to the doctor complaining of a massive headache. Dr says that the bad news is that x=rats show that a certain anatomical feature is just beginning to grow out of his forehead and that surgery would be too dangerous. Guy expresses the point that he'll be damned if he wants to be looking at this anatomical feature every morning while shaving. Dr tells him, that's the good news-not to worry, as this organ grows out if his forehead, the dangling portion will make it impossible for him to see his reflection.
This joke has got to be heard told by a good joketeller.
HUMOROUS POST
<there ya go; no need to thank me, mike>
Denny
Practical Teradactyl,
Things not to do when Drunk. Comes from a Song Get Drunk with Dignity
1. Officer ya know that badge looks stupid on you
2. I can proof my shoes are fireproof
3. Don't contemplate having relationships with Farm Machinery.
4. If a bull dog licks you, its not necessary to lick him back.
5. If a bar has human bar ears nailed to the wall don't pass out there.
You can check out the whole song here. PLAY it every Friday after work!!!
http://www.imeem.com/people/xB3rMxS/music/9lHbw66y/haywood_banks_get_drunk_with_dignity/
AZMO Morgan Funnin up the DAY!
-----------_o
---------_'-,>
-------(*)/ (*) http://www.EarthArtLandscape.com
And now a word from one of televisions most celebrated drunks: http://www.jibjab.com/view/132520
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
p.,
One way not to speak to a cop;
HHHoooneshtly osssifer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am *hic*.
Gooday,
Chris.
On a Cheers episode Cliff Clavin explained;
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
There are more old drunkards than old doctors. Ben Franklin
I don't drink anymore, but if Cliff is right, then it's certain that I'd be stunningly brilliant. Of course, with my luck, I'd have the kind of metabolism where the smartest and fastest cells are killed first, leaving me what I am...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Officers I was just riding in the car! I saw the red and blue lights and got sort of afraid an jumped into the driver seat!
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
Honey... I was working LATE AT HE SHOP TO MAKE MONEY FOR YOU at the shop!
Will,
Fellow at a bar has a few too many, and pukes all over the front of his suit before he can get to the men's room. He says to his buddy, "Man, I've done it now. My wife'll kill me when she sees that I've gone and gotten this plastered again." "No problem," says his friend, "Just put a $20 bill in your jacket pocket. When you get home, tell the wife some drunk at the bar puked on you, and he gave you this 20 to have your suit cleaned." "Great idea, "says the drunk, and happily orders another round, before heading home. Once there, sure enough, the wife starts raging at him. He tries his ploy, and pulls out the money from his pocket to show her. Skeptically, she takes it, then says, "Wait a minute. There are two twenties here. What's up with that?" "Well, right after he puked on my jacket, the no-good sob sh!t in my pants, too!"
Ray
Edited 6/11/2008 9:48 am ET by joinerswork
See..
http://www.funny2.com/funniest.htm
I liked
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
Henny Youngman Jokes
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
Edited 6/9/2008 8:02 am by WillGeorge
Edited 6/9/2008 8:09 am by WillGeorge
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