Life gets so darn serious , sometimes we need to just laugh .
I’ll go first :
After many years uncle Bob cleaned out his very old desk . He found all kinds of stuff long forgotten .
He even found an old claim ticket from the local shoe repair shop . The next day he went to the shoe repair guy and said hey , your not gonna believe this but I found this claim ticket from 7 years ago .
The shoe repair man looked at the ticket looked around and said , they will be ready next Tuesday .
I know , I know bring it on folks .
regards dusty
Replies
How 'bout using the Cafe, Dusty. Pleeeeeeeezzzzz???
Sorry FG , how bout wood working jokes then , wood that be acceptable ?
d
Hey Old Dusty,
This isn't really a joke, more of a philosophical question, maybe FG will share her wisdom. Anyway, if a man says something in the woods, and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Keep having fun.
Steve
There are two secrets to keeping one's wife happy.
1. Let her think she's having her own way.
2. Let her have her own way. President Lyndon Baines Johnson
Edited 1/12/2008 12:04 am ET by fussy
Hey Steve ,
That's a good one ,,,, I'll ask my wife .
d
"That's a good one ,,,, I'll ask my wife ." That's even funnier!forestgirl -- you can take the girl out of the forest, but you can't take the forest out of the girl ;-)
I don't know if he'd be wrong...but it'd still be his fault!
Speaking of wives, I’m looking for plans on how to build a wooden woman so I can have companionship that doesn’t talk. My only concern is that I might end up with a splinter in a sensitive part of my body that I can’t explain in the emergency room.
Thanks wood , very funny !
Guess that would make you a woodpecker!
Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to call me a woodpoker.
Fussy,
To answer your question: Yes, he is still wrong. But he is lucky too - until the woman finds out...
Best wishes,
Metod
An older Pinocchio goes to Geppeto and says, "Dad, I need your help. My girlfriend complains about splinters when we get intimate."Geppeto hands him a piece of sandpaper and says, "Here, this should take care of your problem. Just use this where the splinters are coming from."A couple of weeks later, Geppeto sees Pinocchio and says, "How are things going between you and your girlfriend?" (wink, wink)Pinocchio say, "Ahh, who needs a girlfriend??"--- Q: What does Pinocchio's wife say when they're making whoopie?A:"Tell a lie. Tell the truth. Tell a lie...."
Edited 1/13/2008 1:18 pm ET by byhammerandhand
Sandpaper - what grit?
Best wishes,
Metod
Sandpaper - what grit?
80 Grit works well ;)
Lee
Hi Lee ,
The 80 grit will probably prevent any hair from growing in the palms .
dusty , the trouble maker
BTW Lee , glad you came back to this thread !
BTW Lee , glad you came back to this thread !
Well, I posted a joke but then I deleted it - might have been a little much for the kids!
Lee
Hi Lee,<80 Grit works well ;)>Book knowledge or first hand- (or whatever other parts-) experience?
Best wishes,
Metod
Dusty,
Did you hear about thee woodworker who fell into the upholstery machine?
Don't worry about him. He's recovered.
Mel
Measure your output in smiles per board foot.
A guy is working in his woodworking shop and has a terrible accident and cuts off all ten fingers. He runs immediately to the doctor who surveys the damage and says "This is awful but I'm a great doctor and I can repair the damage. Give methe fingers and I'll reattach them." The man says he doesn't have them. The doctor exclaims "This is 2008 and we have microsurgery and miracle drugs and I could have fixed the damage. Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" The man cries "I couldn't pick 'em up!"
Home Depot Alert
A "Heads Up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
Wood ,
Could you be more specific , what area are these HD in ?
Thank you
that was good dusty
At one time at work, we had two grades of TP, 2-ply and 3-ply. The boxes they came in were labelled 80-grit and 120-grit.Chris @ flairwoodworks
- Success is not the key to happines. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
And all I have at work is John Wayne TP (it's rough, tough and don't take no sh*t)
-pjw
This is a little more on the philosophical side as well, but has any one really contemplated The fact that Jesus Christ was a carpenter? This would shatter the modern expectations of carpenter behavior.
1) all measurements would be correct
2) all work would be finished and on time as promised.
3) no runs to the hardware store for lack of supplies ( refer to story about fishes and loaves)
4) an apprentice asks Jesus if a board is warped, his reply is "not anymore" and hands it back
5) the apprentice from the job next door comes looking to barrow a tool and hears in response "board stretcher, yeah we can do that"
6) as the crew sets down for lunch they find that the wine they hid in their water jug has turned to water
7) no cursing on the jobsite. The boss doesn't like his fathers name being used in vain
I sure wish they would steal my billfold a few times!
I've decided I have way too much money in my billfold. Where is this Home Depot you're talking about? Is it close to an ATM so I can keep filling up my billfold and going back to be an unfortunate victim?
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-Cow-Disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Mrhermit,
That was funny!
Oh, I forgot to tell them that one of my chickens stepped out of the chicken coup Sunday. Do you think I'm in trouble?Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Bob,
"one of my chickens stepped out of the chicken coup Sunday"
Know why chicken coups all have two doors?
Because, if they had four doors they'd be sedans.
Ray
A woodworker named John and his wife are in the car and he says he is going to stop at fellow woodworker Dave's shop for a minute. He goes in and they are looking at the new Festool Domino and Safe Stop table saw.
Dave keeps hearing a car horn honking intermitenly as they are talking and ask John if that is his car? "Yes, my wife is waiting for me."
As they continue to talk the horn blowing becomes increasingly more frequent. Dave ask John again about it, "Do you need to check on your wife, the horn is blowing almost constantly?"
"No, she'll be all right, she's just on the way to the hospital to have a baby!"
Bruce
Dusty:
How many? White, Blue, Red or all three?
I'll start with The definitive Henny Youngman collection....
http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm
Enough jokes at this link to keep you busy for days!
...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
What did the monk say to the guy at the hot dog wagon?
"Make me one with everything."
you guys have a lot of catching up to do. 39386.1
"It is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer: it feels so good when you stop"
Golf and Bees
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round
Of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to
Return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
And asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
stance is too wide."
A baby seal walks into a club.......
booooooooChris @ flairwoodworks
- Success is not the key to happines. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
Hi Lee ,
I'm still laughing , thanks that was good .
Heres one for ya'll ,
A Polar bear went in to a tavern and up to the bar , the Bartender asked what he could get him and there went a minute or two and then the bear answered , " I'll have a Beer " the bartender asked why the long pause ? The bear said " I dunno , I've always had them "
dusty
A while back Harvard University decided to do some research into how people think. For this study they picked an electrician, a sales clerk and a woodworker. The professor put each in a room by himself. There was nothing in the room but a chair and a table. On each table were three small stainless steel balls. The instructions from the professor were simple, "Use these balls to show me how you think." In twenty minutes the professor went into the electrician's room and saw the balls arranged in a triangle. He asked, "What does that represent?" The electrician replied, "The three wires of a receptacle." "Hmmm, interesting", the professor replied. He went into the sales clerk's room. The balls were arranged in a straight line. When asked, the clerk replied, "The columns on a bill of sale." "Hmmm, interesting”, the professor replied.
When the professor went into the woodworker’s room one of the balls was lost, one was broken and one was in his lunch pail…
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