Gnashing Teeth

ecocandle, Member

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Today I drove across Martelle, to the office of post, where I again stared into a cubbyhole filled with emptiness.  No DVDs and books for me, in the ‘Soup Nazi’ voice, ran through my head.  After coming home, through rush hour traffic, I sat in my comfy green computer chair, defeated.  I know from my days of working in the marketing department at GEICO that the travel time for a piece of mail, from anywhere city, in the continental U.S., to the hamlet of someplace, takes no longer than 6 business days.  Iowa sits smack dab in the middle of all the anywheres and someplaces in the country, so I figured 3.  Today is day 6 and unbeknownst to The Taunton Press; they hang precariously on the precipice of a cliff, overlooking a valley filled with a pack of angry blog.

The thing about a pack of wild blog, with their teeth gnashing while they run amok, is that they can’t be controlled.  An angry blog will, given a chance, eat it weight in bad publicity within minutes.  And don’t even get me started about their breeding.  They make rabbits look like vestal virgins. If you find an angry blog, after a meal of 1000 words of vitriol and spite, it will be very amorous towards others of its ilk.  It will seek out other blogs to mate with.  Twitter is an incredible breeding ground for these creatures.   It seems that everyone in the world is trying to fix these little fuzzy and ravenous creatures up, just to watch them multiply.  And don’t even try to herd them; they are as likely to be driven in a single direction as a gaggle of cats.  (I realize that it is geese that are a gaggle, but I am exercising my legal right to poetic license.)

Now some of you may not have heard of these beasts.  Perhaps you know of them by their Latin name, Blogus Rantopotamus?  Whether you have heard of them or not, it is wise to know they are out there.  To truly understand the Blogus Rantopotamus, one must know of their origin.  They are a fairly new breed of animal, though some would call them a plague or a virus.  The story of their origins is unclear and you may well find many different version of how they came to be.  This is my favorite.

In a warehouse in Poughkeepsie NY, an aging accountant sat at his desk.  He had studied cost accounting in school and married his high school sweetheart, who attended Vassar.  She left him after three years, for a woman she met at a poetry slam, and since that day, he has been bitter and angry.  This is important because on this day, about seven and a half years ago, a new shipping clerk was preparing a box of miniature replica blunder busses for shipping.  The accountant screamed, “What are you doing?!” at the young man, a recent college graduate in computer science, who hadn’t really bothered to find a real job yet.  I was getting this order ready to go out.  “When did they order it?”, “The order just came in on from the website (www.blunderbusRus.com), if I hurry I can get it out tonight.”  The accountant screamed louder, “Did they pay for express shipping and handling?!”, “No, but I am not sending it express, I am sending it through the regular mail.” The clerk said sheepishly.  “Where do they live?!”, the accountant bellowed, though he knew the answer.  “They live in New Jersey.  If it goes out tonight, they will get it tomorrow or the next day.”  He responded, trying to understand why this was a big deal.  “We don’t want the customer to get them quickly, because if we do that, then nobody will pay for express shipping and handling!  Are you an idiot?” said the accountant.

The clerk had studied TOC (Theory of Constraints) in college and knew that the totally variable costs were fixed and that his reasoning was wrong.  He knew that in the long run a happy customer was better than earning an extra 2 dollars by making them think they needed express.  But he also knew that if he refused to do as the accountant said, he might have to start looking for a real job, and he didn’t want to do that before the summer was over.   So he went home and later that night, in his mother’s basement, next to the washer and dryer, he forwent World of War Craft and anonymously unleashed the first beast on the world.  Unfortunately for the accountant, the blog reproduced through mitosis and the hungry pack of blogs eventually found him and ate his face off.

Tune in tomorrow when the blog either be an angry rant at Taunton Press or a lengthy description of my own foibles…and now back to your regularly scheduled programming…

…so in conclusion, I would like to say, “I love woodworking.”

[Editors Note  (Ok, I don't have an editor, but I digress):  An angry Blogus Rantopotamus has yet to be photographed.  So we went with flowers.]

Hugs,

Brian Meeks

http://extremelyaverageone.blogspot.com/

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Comments (5)

252255wood writes: Brian, I suppose you know that orchids always produce symmetrical blossoms. You sent a very good picture even though the subject was'nt made of wood. I'm impressed!
Posted: 12:10 pm on March 1st

zbop writes: Hmmmmm ......and this had to do with woodworking, how? Your talents might be better directed (and appreciated) on a literary blog somewhere. As for the highly anticipated mail delivery, you must remember that the US Postal System is smack dab in the middle of this event before you go venting your anger and frustration at Taunton Press. If your life so desperately revolves around receiving mail orders then you really need to add some other outlets/hobbies to you daily itinerary. Does the "a watched pot never boils" apply here?

Posted: 10:21 am on January 17th

JimFuller1 writes: You seem to be an accomplished writer. Be careful you don't give it away for free. There's not enough humor in Fine Woodworking magazine if you ask me. I'm reminded of the days when Penn Jillette was writing for PC Computing. He had no real computer expertise except that of a pc user. Not unlike youself and woodworking. Sometimes that's what makes the writing the most entertaining. Anyway, I'll keep looking for your posts.

Regards,
Jim

Posted: 3:02 am on January 17th

ecocandle writes: JimFuller1,

I am pleased you got the TOC reference. I like to put obscure references in my posts most days. I had a wonderful chess reference, that I don't think anyone got, in my piece, Horrible Dovetail Blunders ( I made a blunder worse than 1. e4 e5 2.Nf3 d6 3. Bc4 Bg4 4.Nc3 a6 5. Nxe5 and black taking the queen on the 5th move. ) It made me laugh, which is half the reason I like to write, the other half is the joy I get when someone understands my drivel.

Thanks for understanding,

Brian
Posted: 10:15 am on January 16th

JimFuller1 writes: Wow, Brian. Throwing in a TOC reference was pretty impressive. Lost on Taunton I'm sure but impressive. Had they ever heard of TOC, you would have gotten your package overnight through no choice of your own. You also wouldn't be staring at the same content on the home page for two weeks but now, I digress. Nevertheless, I do kinda like these guys and hope they survive whatever happens.

Regards,
Jim
Posted: 7:08 am on January 16th

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